1st April 06, 630pm

since you've been gone...

i'm sitting at the park, earphones plugged in, watching the people play, feeling as if the trees are growing way faster. the swings fly, ball bounces, the movements of limbs catches my eye. a silent play. life in life itself. the post-rain smell lingers. the wheels of his bicycle go round and round, a spin here and there, just a few blinks, before i know it, he will be up and running all around the world. boy, i'd best pray you'd be good, and that's good enough for me. when i've almost forgotten to smile to you, how do i colour in your dreams for you. the saddest shade of blue, mix in the brightest yellow. one day you will put on your wings and soar, i want you here but i know i gotta let you fly. don't cry, don't hurt, don't fade..

i'm eating cold mashed potato from last nite's popeye. cold is my mind, filled with visions of you walking through the glass door, colder is my heart, trying to smile for you when it is actually crying and coldest the remembrance that your footprints may be washed away. underneath your tears, there is an endless story. i still feel your hand on my shoulder, cant shake it off.

sometimes you need to find your way back in order to move ahead. im already drowning in the streets, but i'll catch myself if i fall.

first times are the most unforgettable ones. popeye 1st march was the best i've ever tasted but 31st march was below expectations. maybe it's the taste of saying goodbye, or maybe i've got my hopes too high up. many moments i've got to cherish, cos someday we'll come to the end of the tape and there is no replay button.

the tangy flavour of the mashed potato lingers. i'm holding on to the memories, yet i'm hopeful for tomorrows. spoonfuls of moments together, when everything's gone will it end just like that. a white plastic cup, almost licked clean, easily broken, not worth keeping. or will it be like a glass of everlasting well water.

i remember...chilling out at esplanade rooftop under the full moon after having seafood on the road. countless late nights out in town. the heart to heart talk at the beach under the starry sky, bumping along in the vintage bus, milkshakes and card games at Macs. screaming and pushing in the neoprints booths. stuffing our faces with food at sentosa picnics, getting violent during soccer games and sand attacks. the farewell gathering for the NS guys, listening to them trying to tell each other how they feel. sweet. them passing around the choc cake, taking turns to blow out the candles, one by one. the childish games; animal, ninja hide-and-seek, eagle-catch-lil-chicks at steph's place during CNY, running all over the carpark. chilling out at the airport after collecting our results, making faces, lazing at the viewing gallery, talking about brainless topics and where we would be years later. falling asleep in the bed with the guys' murmurings about some soccer game going on in the background. singing adi her birthday song at coffeeclub. badminton match. playing board games at settler's cafe. blind mice and swings at the playground...

we've captured so much in the numerous photos taken together, but looking at these photos tell me more than what i see. what these memories mean to me is beyond words, beyond plain understanding. too many imperfect gatherings, people turning up late (that's our style), not knowing where to go, what to eat, walking around aimlessly, but still close to my heart, stored in the cave of memories.

i remember...the 3 of us sitting around the table talking endlessly, watching our shadows grow longer. time went by, not too slow, not too fast. the bunch of us sitting on opposite sides of the train, me watching them fall asleep, the sunshine caught in their hair. the moment slipped away, but because it wasn't perfect, it was the most perfect one i could remember having. years later, when we are all caught up in our careers, leading our own seperate lives, i'll look back at those much cherished times, interwoven with colours of the wind, and smile sadly.

its getting dark. i look all around for you, but you don't appear.

because of you i'm running out of reasons to cry...